Something I’ve noticed since we’ve changed our relationship is that I’m becoming more self-aware again. It’s like I’ve suddenly become aware again that the only one responsible for my life is me. I think depression clouded my thoughts, I think I’d just got used to thinking in a certain way. This is actually a very important realization. It’s like it is up to me whether I am happy or sad, glad or mad. Depression just smothers you and you can’t think clearly. You don’t realize that you can change things. You don’t realize that you are taking things out on the love of your life.
When I went to my husband and told him what I needed and wanted. At first he was somewhat taken back. Shock would be more like it. That was many years ago. We would get into it for a while then life would somehow interrupt and we would be off again. It went like that for several years. So this last last time that I again went to my husband and told him “I REALLY REALLY need this” I think with the way I explained it he finally got it. So far the only time off has been when I was sick just after the first of this year. (Sick for my birthday. No birthday spanking for me. Which I was really looking forward too!) And while I have been sick I must say that I have — how would you say this– sort of un-trained myself!
Sometimes when we are having a bit of an argument in my head I am thinking “Stop this! This isn’t how a submissive is supposed to act.” But it’s as if I can’t stop myself. The other part is thinking well why doesn’t he stop me? (that would be the bratty side of me) And the whole time my mouth is going. Then we end up not talking. Which actually solves nothing. It only makes us both miserable and angry and then hateful. It’s horrible! I mean I do want to be heard. I want him to know how I feel sometimes. Sometimes he can hurt me with just a look or something he says, and he doesn’t even realize it. His words can cut you to the bone and he doesn’t even know. I want to be able to tell him that it hurts. Or even that he sucks! lol While I know it should be done in a respectful way— Sometimes I just can’t help it, and we are arguing in 2.2 seconds!
There was one time though, we were having words, OK LOUD words back and forth, and he just turned on his heel and headed for the bedroom. When he returned he had the belt in his hand and my insides went to quivering. I was torn between my point I wanted to get across and the look of that belt. I guess you know I stopped arguing, somehow my point wasn’t quite as important anymore. Then I wondered —- would he really have done it? We shall never know.
Since we have began this life again, I’ve found I’ve subconsciously modified my behavior some, not because I’m worried he’ll spank me or whatever if I’m less than deferential or respectful towards him, but because I’m realizing some of how I was acting was downright rude and/or selfish. It certainly hasn’t curtailed the fun/bratty side of me though. I still push. I still get into trouble. Just not bad trouble yet. I know that day will come, and I am afraid of it, yet totally turned on by it! Can I handle the dread and pleasure at the same time? – – I’ll keep ya posted!!
I truly want to be totally submissive. But i have been raised to be strong. So giving it up completely is hard to do. Being strong in the real world then coming home to my begged for submissive world is a hard transaction to make by myself. But since Hubby bought me a chain dog collar, which he has a pad lock for, I have found that once he puts that around my neck and locks the lock, my whole attitude changes. I have put it on myself, but it doesn’t feel the same. So after it is off I wait for him to do it for me.
It’s strange but it’s like a veil slowly slips off of me. Off goes the strong me who can stand toe to toe with the best of them. Exposing the vulnerable submissive person who is struggling to get out. When he places the collar around my neck and locks it, taking the key and putting it away, I know I can’t get out of it until he removes it. It’s as if he unlocks the me inside who is his to do with as he wants. I know that now I am safe and can be who I am inside, who I want to be. It hangs around my neck reminding me I belong solely to him. I exist only for him. And I love that feeling.
We actually have no rules to speak of, other than to be respectful and do what he says when he says! I still am working on that later part. My girlfriend asked me what I get out of this and I told her it was too hard to describe. But if I had to try it would be peace ~ I feel at peace with him in charge of me. I love it when he tells me what to do, or that I can’t do something (unless I really want to do it!) I feel cared for, needed, wanted, and most of all loved. Sometimes I need a spanking to chase away my PMS attitude, or just a bad attitude. Sometimes I just need a spanking to reinforce who I have begged to be. I need to feel his strength, his control. I need it as much as I need air.
I have asked for his help with my attitude (not just the PMS attitude but also the sarcastic/disrespectful attitude). And he has been working with me on this. I get a real nervous thrill from the anticipation of knowing a spanking is coming. Especially when Sir is being coolly authoritative. That combined with being told what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. Or when a punishment is preceded with standing in the corner or my nose pressed against some object that is somewhere within his view. The sarcasm and disrespectful comments I’m actually trying to do something about, as they usually get answered with a harder and harder spanking each time I have every incentive to curtail this problem myself!
There are times when I need a spanking just to re-establish who I am and who Sir is, to re-enforce that it was I who asked for this, and it is he who loves me enough to give it to me. The spankings that I don’t know are coming, that happen just on a whim, make me love him all the more. I know then that he takes his job just as seriously as I should be taking mine. And that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! 🙂 If I’m feeling weepy, a gentle spanking relaxes me far more quickly than a cup of hot tea and a bath. This has reconnected the closeness between Sir and I, there’s also, undoubtedly, the whole authority thing, there’s the feeling of being made to submit. Of being taken control of. But beyond that, It releases any tension within me, takes me away from the every day world and problems, and brings all my senses zingingly to life. It makes me feel cleansed and ready to face the world anew, full of a harnessed energy and enthusiasm for life.
Re-reading this post I noticed I forgot to write about one part that I meant to. I had this worry inside, (which probably is to blame for a few punishments~!) what if this is just one sided? What if Sir is just doing it for me. I mean I don’t want to be the only person getting anything out of this relationship. It took me awhile to ask him about that. I’m not sure he really understood what I was asking him. But he did re-assure me that he enjoyed his place. That he has no problems with what I want now. And that he was just the person to help me make these changes! I’m not sure if he was kidding about this part but he said it also relieves his stress levels when he spanks me. Well if it helps ~ HEY Spank On I say!! I am happiest when he is in control. And I have found that there is probably nothing he could ask of me that I wouldn’t do.
I think I realized that when we were shopping one day. I haven’t even told Sir this story yet. But during Christmas time we were shopping and the store was full. You could barely get around there was so many people. If you got separated you probably couldn’t find each other until you both bumped into one another at the car! I don’t remember what we were looking for, but he turned to me and said. “Stay right here, don’t move, I’ll go get it and come back and get you.” Standing there I thought about what he said and how he said it, and I felt more submissive at that moment than I had in a long while. I replayed that in my head and thought about it many times. And the best I can figure is that it was like a command, and it was in front of other people, (who if they heard us ~ wouldn’t of thought a thing about it as it made perfect sense in that mad house) and I was doing it. I waited exactly where he told me and upon his return listened closely to what he told me and did exactly as he said. I wonder if he noticed that too? Probably not.
But that was when I knew there wasn’t anything that he could ask of me that I probably wouldn’t do. Some might take some prodding, but I am sure I would do it! When we go shopping in the next town I wear my wrist cuffs under my jacket. It is just a reminder of who I am and who Sir is at all times. I don’t know what I will wear during the warmer weather, but I am sure we will come up with something.
I just needed to write these feelings down somewhere.
Hearts and Paddles 