Cane ~ love at first bite

It seems I owe an apology to my hubby. We hadn’t stopped, we just hadn’t gotten started back yet. I am sorry for jumping to conclusions. I am sorry for being impatient. I am sorry for not trusting in you to know what I need. But mostly I am sorry for not just talking to you.

I found out night before last that we hadn’t stopped. I had been a bit of a brat, so Sir got out the crop and preceded to give my breasts a cropping. It sure did hurt especially when he caught just the nipple and flicked the crop. OWWWIE ~ I mean I needed it. I really really needed something. My nipples got the most of it. It hurt so very good. And the next day they were so wonderfully sensitive and the prettiest purple color you have ever seen! I slept so good that night.

Sir has often said he wanted to try the cane. I have been terrified of that whole idea. I would talk myself into it, then quickly back out of it. The more Sir would bring it up the more I would get that old panic. I know that anytime it’s something new I panic. I can’t help it. I just do! I told him a month or two ago that if he wanted to use a cane on me he would have to tie me down because I didn’t know if I could remain still and laughed it off.

Well last night half joking Sir said go get the crop. I told him if I could reach where he put it I would because I needed it. He seemed surprised. A little later he asked me why I needed it. I could think of a million and one reasons why I needed it. But all I could say was “because I really do need it”.

I went to bed a few minutes before Sir did. He caught me a bit by surprise he got this toy I got for the cat. It has a long handle on it with feathers at one end. It is fairly good sized. From what I have seen on the internet it’s perfect cane size. Well he picked it up and began to smack at me over the blankets. It hurt!! Then he told me to remove the blankets and roll over. My whole insides went to shaking, I tried to beg out of it, but no go. So I laid on my stomach with my arms high over my head and prepared to die!

Surprisingly I like it. It hurt, it hurt like hell. But it wasn’t long before the pain sort of carried me away, I was just really getting into it and about to ask for it a little harder when he stopped using it and picked up the crop. Now the crop on top of the caned area was horrible. It was like starting the pain all over again. I had to get my head around a different kind of pain. Just as I was almost there, he started with the cane again. He caned my bottom, my thighs, my back and across my shoulders. Back and forth. I couldn’t get my head around anything before it was changed again.

Once he came to bed, I was just laying still trying to decide if I was coming or going. It felt so good, it hurt so bad. I couldn’t stop making noises of content, noises of pain, noises of utter confusion. Next thing I knew he was caning my breasts. Oh my god ~ there went my head again. It hurt. It really hurt. Slowly it was lulling me into a calm space, my body giving into the pain of the cane. It probably wasn’t really that hard, but for me it was. Suddenly it stopped and he turned the feathers on me. He feathered the red welts that had shown beneath the skin. Oh talk about heaven. I was drifting off coming closer to cuming. I was there, right at the edge of it. So I asked permission to cum. He made me ask a couple of times then he gave his permission. Just as I was about to cum the cane came down across my nipples. The searing pain interrupted my bliss and I was on the opposite edge in a flash. After doing that a couple of times he did take pity on me and allow me to cum. And cum I did. I didn’t think I was going to stop. You know the kind. It’s the kind you hope for, you beg for, you plead for. It comes from the top of your head and washes everything from your body leaving you limp.

I cuddled into him and thanked him, the whole time trying to talk to tell him how wonderful he was and how I felt and hell how the world was brighter at that moment! laughs But nothing would come out.

He told me laying there that I wasn’t submissive. I may be a pain slut, but submissive I was not. I laid there listening to him softly snore after that and thought why would he think that? What is his idea of submissive? Do we have different ideas? How can I be submissive if he never tells me anything to do? Isn’t that what I do, he says, I submit? I stayed awake for awhile trying to think of ways to show him I am submissive.

So this morning before I got dressed I wrote on the right breast “Tell me” and on the left breast I wrote “I’ll Obey” in permanent ink so that I can’t change my mind. Now that it is getting closer to going home I am getting nervous of revealing myself. I am telling myself that ~ embarrassment has no place in a submissives life. To be humiliated is one thing, but to humiliate oneself is quite another. That takes guts. And I am not sure I have them.

I had several idea’s last night. That sounded good in the cover of darkness and being alone. But now that it’s the light of day and we will be going home soon I’m not so sure my idea’s are so great after all.

Anyway I will keep you posted as to what happens.

~ once upon a last time ~

I almost forgot!! I did get to wear my collar one morning. We did have a short play session. And it was quite interesting. It was about 2, almost 3 weeks ago. In between the flu’s! WOW I can’t believe I forgot that.

We woke up on that morning and before I got up he went in the living room and got my collar. I told you I get all gooey when he comes towards me with that thing! Anyway after he put it on me he tugged on it to make me follow it, towards the end of the bed where he locked it to the chains attached to the underside of the bed. At this point I think I melted! Because I don’t remember everything that happened.

I know I got a spanking with the crop. Sometimes I like it, sometimes not. This was a do not like it time because I hadn’t had a spanking in some time and it really hurt each time he smacked me with it. I remember being all over the small area that my chains would allow! Then he got the vibes. And this is also where I get a bit confused. My head just left the planet on this one. I remember having so many different thoughts going through my mind. I remember saying no ~ but thinking OH MY GOD YES ~ He placed one in my pussy and one in my ass, and I thought I was going to die.

I have never had that done to me before, nor had I felt those sensations before. It was like heaven, but at the same time it was humiliating! I wasn’t allowed to touch myself, or the vibes. I just had to lay there and take it. Which I am thankful he never asked how I liked it. Because I would probably have died of embarrassment! I was floating away on a cloud. Just as I was almost gone I would remember my plight and feel humiliated all over again. Which of course had me coming both ways- floating ~~ CUMS ~~ humiliated ~~ CUMS!! Why does humiliation go so well with submissiveness? Is it because we want to prove how much we will endure for the sake of the one we love? Do we do it for them? Or do we secretly do it only for ourselves? Those sound like questions are for another post!!

I know it didn’t last long enough, and yet it lasted for ever! I wanted it to end, but then wanted it to go on forever. How can my mind be so split like that? Anyway, it was a great morning.

I kept my collar on that whole day, refusing when he asked if I wanted it off. I have told him a million times how it feels to have it on. I don’t think he always listen so good! Anyway but that was the end of my submissiveness then. And sadly up to this point! Oh well, if it was the end, then what a way to go. I will always wonder what else I missed. But I will always have that to replay. OK good and confused now so I am off until I am in a better frame of mind.

My own Mutterings

Where have I been for over a month? I have been sick twice, a horrible horrible flu. Then hubby has been sick with it as well. Nothing is really going on here. except alot of sick!

We seem to fight more these days than anything else. He likes to say things out loud, but sort of under his breath so that you will hear it. But he can claim he didn’t mean it to be out loud. And I have ignored that for — ummmm — lets say several years now. So it is my own fault. Menopause sure makes your nerves so short that you jump on these little tidbits like a dog on a bone! Some what “Pit Bullish” you know, you don’t let it go. You are just as determined as he is. Sometimes more.

I know he knows he hurts my feelings. But do you think he ever mutters the words “I’m sorry”? HELL NO!! He never has. I used to tell him I was sorry all the time. Not so much anymore. Even when I am sorry, I don’t say it. Because I never hear it .. so what the hell huh? I hate that to. I would rather apologize and it be over. But no; we drag it on for days. The last one was almost 3 days. What a waste of time.

Maybe if we were back in our supposed to be roles, it wouldn’t happen. These past several months I was happy because we were in a back in a good place. Well now that place seems to have started crumbling.

And what I have left is what? Cranky, grumpy, mumbly, grouchy, unfriendly, barely speak, tiptoe kind of days. There are days that I am so depressed I just want to stay in bed all day with the blankets pulled over my head. I don’t want to see anyone, let alone talk to anyone. Without DD to lean on I have had to go back on my antidepressants. I hate them. It’s like you are drugged for most of the day, when you finally start to have a clear head, it’s time to take the pills and go to bed only to start the whole thing all over again. And then someone asks almost daily. “don’t you feel good?” Such a great way to live. You should try it! ha!

Ok going to go because I am just writing things that only make me want to go get in bed and cover up my head and stay there!!! Will write when I am better… wonder when that will be?

I feel the need

Something I’ve noticed since we’ve changed our relationship is that I’m becoming more self-aware again. It’s like I’ve suddenly become aware again that the only one responsible for my life is me. I think depression clouded my thoughts, I think I’d just got used to thinking in a certain way. This is actually a very important realization. It’s like it is up to me whether I am happy or sad, glad or mad. Depression just smothers you and you can’t think clearly. You don’t realize that you can change things. You don’t realize that you are taking things out on the love of your life.

When I went to my husband and told him what I needed and wanted. At first he was somewhat taken back. Shock would be more like it. That was many years ago. We would get into it for a while then life would somehow interrupt and we would be off again. It went like that for several years. So this last last time that I again went to my husband and told him “I REALLY REALLY need this” I think with the way I explained it he finally got it. So far the only time off has been when I was sick just after the first of this year. (Sick for my birthday. No birthday spanking for me. Which I was really looking forward too!) And while I have been sick I must say that I have — how would you say this– sort of un-trained myself!

Sometimes when we are having a bit of an argument in my head I am thinking “Stop this! This isn’t how a submissive is supposed to act.” But it’s as if I can’t stop myself. The other part is thinking well why doesn’t he stop me? (that would be the bratty side of me) And the whole time my mouth is going. Then we end up not talking. Which actually solves nothing. It only makes us both miserable and angry and then hateful. It’s horrible! I mean I do want to be heard. I want him to know how I feel sometimes. Sometimes he can hurt me with just a look or something he says, and he doesn’t even realize it. His words can cut you to the bone and he doesn’t even know. I want to be able to tell him that it hurts. Or even that he sucks! lol While I know it should be done in a respectful way— Sometimes I just can’t help it, and we are arguing in 2.2 seconds!

There was one time though, we were having words, OK LOUD words back and forth, and he just turned on his heel and headed for the bedroom. When he returned he had the belt in his hand and my insides went to quivering. I was torn between my point I wanted to get across and the look of that belt. I guess you know I stopped arguing, somehow my point wasn’t quite as important anymore. Then I wondered —- would he really have done it? We shall never know.

Since we have began this life again, I’ve found I’ve subconsciously modified my behavior some, not because I’m worried he’ll spank me or whatever if I’m less than deferential or respectful towards him, but because I’m realizing some of how I was acting was downright rude and/or selfish. It certainly hasn’t curtailed the fun/bratty side of me though. I still push. I still get into trouble. Just not bad trouble yet. I know that day will come, and I am afraid of it, yet totally turned on by it! Can I handle the dread and pleasure at the same time? – - I’ll keep ya posted!!

I truly want to be totally submissive. But i have been raised to be strong. So giving it up completely is hard to do. Being strong in the real world then coming home to my begged for submissive world is a hard transaction to make by myself. But since Hubby bought me a chain dog collar, which he has a pad lock for, I have found that once he puts that around my neck and locks the lock, my whole attitude changes. I have put it on myself, but it doesn’t feel the same. So after it is off I wait for him to do it for me.

It’s strange but it’s like a veil slowly slips off of me. Off goes the strong me who can stand toe to toe with the best of them. Exposing the vulnerable submissive person who is struggling to get out. When he places the collar around my neck and locks it, taking the key and putting it away, I know I can’t get out of it until he removes it. It’s as if he unlocks the me inside who is his to do with as he wants. I know that now I am safe and can be who I am inside, who I want to be. It hangs around my neck reminding me I belong solely to him. I exist only for him. And I love that feeling.

We actually have no rules to speak of, other than to be respectful and do what he says when he says! I still am working on that later part. My girlfriend asked me what I get out of this and I told her it was too hard to describe. But if I had to try it would be peace ~ I feel at peace with him in charge of me. I love it when he tells me what to do, or that I can’t do something (unless I really want to do it!) I feel cared for, needed, wanted, and most of all loved. Sometimes I need a spanking to chase away my PMS attitude, or just a bad attitude. Sometimes I just need a spanking to reinforce who I have begged to be. I need to feel his strength, his control. I need it as much as I need air.

I have asked for his help with my attitude (not just the PMS attitude but also the sarcastic/disrespectful attitude). And he has been working with me on this. I get a real nervous thrill from the anticipation of knowing a spanking is coming. Especially when Sir is being coolly authoritative. That combined with being told what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. Or when a punishment is preceded with standing in the corner or my nose pressed against some object that is somewhere within his view. The sarcasm and disrespectful comments I’m actually trying to do something about, as they usually get answered with a harder and harder spanking each time I have every incentive to curtail this problem myself!

There are times when I need a spanking just to re-establish who I am and who Sir is, to re-enforce that it was I who asked for this, and it is he who loves me enough to give it to me. The spankings that I don’t know are coming, that happen just on a whim, make me love him all the more. I know then that he takes his job just as seriously as I should be taking mine. And that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! If I’m feeling weepy, a gentle spanking relaxes me far more quickly than a cup of hot tea and a bath. This has reconnected the closeness between Sir and I, there’s also, undoubtedly, the whole authority thing, there’s the feeling of being made to submit. Of being taken control of. But beyond that, It releases any tension within me, takes me away from the every day world and problems, and brings all my senses zingingly to life. It makes me feel cleansed and ready to face the world anew, full of a harnessed energy and enthusiasm for life.

Re-reading this post I noticed I forgot to write about one part that I meant to. I had this worry inside, (which probably is to blame for a few punishments~!) what if this is just one sided? What if Sir is just doing it for me. I mean I don’t want to be the only person getting anything out of this relationship. It took me awhile to ask him about that. I’m not sure he really understood what I was asking him. But he did re-assure me that he enjoyed his place. That he has no problems with what I want now. And that he was just the person to help me make these changes! I’m not sure if he was kidding about this part but he said it also relieves his stress levels when he spanks me. Well if it helps ~ HEY Spank On I say!! I am happiest when he is in control. And I have found that there is probably nothing he could ask of me that I wouldn’t do.

I think I realized that when we were shopping one day. I haven’t even told Sir this story yet. But during Christmas time we were shopping and the store was full. You could barely get around there was so many people. If you got separated you probably couldn’t find each other until you both bumped into one another at the car! I don’t remember what we were looking for, but he turned to me and said. “Stay right here, don’t move, I’ll go get it and come back and get you.” Standing there I thought about what he said and how he said it, and I felt more submissive at that moment than I had in a long while. I replayed that in my head and thought about it many times. And the best I can figure is that it was like a command, and it was in front of other people, (who if they heard us ~ wouldn’t of thought a thing about it as it made perfect sense in that mad house) and I was doing it. I waited exactly where he told me and upon his return listened closely to what he told me and did exactly as he said. I wonder if he noticed that too? Probably not.

But that was when I knew there wasn’t anything that he could ask of me that I probably wouldn’t do. Some might take some prodding, but I am sure I would do it! When we go shopping in the next town I wear my wrist cuffs under my jacket. It is just a reminder of who I am and who Sir is at all times. I don’t know what I will wear during the warmer weather, but I am sure we will come up with something.

I just needed to write these feelings down somewhere.

Happy New Year

New Years Day!!

This year has started out deliciously. I awoke this morning laying at the end our bed and a chain attached from my collar to the beds leg. A smile slowly spread across my face. God I love to be chained, tied, restrained, what ever you like to call it. I love it! The feel of the cold chain and pad lock against my chest, just brushing across my nipples, is just one of my most favorite feelings.

When I began to stir, Sir got up and came and unlocked me. Looking up into his smiling eyes while he unlocked my heart.. ummm unlocked my chains, gave me the most incredible feeling. I felt owned, cherished and most of all loved. I crawled back to the top of the bed to snuggle with Sir. Feeling more submissive than I had in long while.

Sir suggested (jokingly) that I kiss his ass, so I did! grins big. I am determined to do whatever he tells me to do. And I am going to do so without crying or whining, as he says I do. I thought if I kept this up he would stop me within a few seconds. But I was wrong. He just took it all in, finally after about 5 minutes I asked HIM if that was enough? He informed me it was not!! So much for my dignity!

Finally when he allowed me to stop, he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me and asked me how I felt about being chained up. I was so glad he couldn’t see my face because I know I blushed a deep deep scarlet. I told him slowly I loved it. I must be sick but I did love it. I couldn’t put into words how much, nor can I still. But there is something about that click of a lock around my neck and the knowing I am there until Sir decides otherwise. I just melt into a different space in my head. It’s like everything around me becomes softer and quieter, like my whole being just instantly becomes relaxed and I’m somewhere else.